?

Log in

April 2008   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
Combat Medic

hope

Posted on 2008.04.02 at 11:26
Current Mood: awakeawake
i cried over you for the first time. and i did it in front of someone else. that someone was my new someone. she has endured much b/c of our history. but she has been incredible thru it all. but this isnt about her. this isnt even about you really. this about me letting you go. and this is about me learning how to be real.
all in all this is about me.
i hope this is the beginning of the end.

Combat Medic

next week

Posted on 2008.03.31 at 21:14
Current Mood: draineddrained
i am bruised, damaged, torn, battered, weathered, worn.
yet you come back-and keep coming back.
she sits [mostly] silently, and patient.
waiting for my wounds to heal.
she doesnt try to lick them clean.
she knows it will do no good.

you continue flogging me about the heart and soul.
trying endlessly to break me.
i have not broken.
i am not broken.
i am trying to find a safe place to hide
i need to release this pain, this weight that i carry-
i have carried for years. there is no where to turn.
no matter where i look.

i beg you to walk away. please just go.
if not forever-then just for today.
we can talk about tomorrow next week.

Combat Medic
Posted on 2007.12.21 at 23:10
my head hurts, my heart hurts. you never cared before. why bother now. and why do i bother trying to find out. why do you make it so easy?

you want me to know i think. you get some sort of satisfaction out of it, because you have always been to goddamned scared to say it your fucking self. you are a spineless person. you never had balls to start. oh, yeah-you talk a good game, but when it comes down to brass taxes, you fucking fold EVERY TIME!

you know what i am done. i am done caring. fuck off.

Combat Medic
Posted on 2007.12.19 at 09:37
you unprivated your myspace account today. i find it interesting that you go back and forth with that. i find it even more interesting that i often wander back to it, just to see...

this process is unlike anything i have ever known before. and i have been hurt by others. but you-you did something that i thought un-imaginable. somehow you kept me coming back. wanting more. and there are still days that i catch myself thinking, "well what if??" but i know that you are no good for me. we are terrible together. i am trying so desperately to move forward. but you continuously suck me in again. i wonder if you even realize the date. where we were just 2 years ago. how our lives changed forever.

crap.

Combat Medic

emisus

Posted on 2007.12.12 at 15:24
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
i am afraid to let you go. although i am with someone new. although i want you to go. just although. it seems that everytime it ends, it is you who returns. and everytime you return you come a little too late. but this time i am not looking back. at least i am trying not to. sometimes i see reflections of what used to be in my rear view. i see images of what could have been in the horizon. i feel a little nostalgic over things that never really happened. i dont think that is possible. maybe THAT is the deifnition of crazy. you and i are most certainly a part of that defintion, doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different result. 3 years we went down that road. now it seems that you are moving away. i am sad about that. i am afraid to let you go. i am afraid that when you leave, you will take a piece of me that i will never get back. i think you already did. you want to return some of my stuff. why? you have it for a reason. why bother now? what difference does it make. and pictures...are you trying to purge me. as if we never were?
maybe that is what i should do.
purge
vomit
get rid of you
maybe your leaving is the best thing for me.


Combat Medic

the good, the bad and the ugly

Posted on 2007.11.26 at 16:18
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
okie dokie-heres the good and bad

good first, looks like i wont be QUITE as broke as i thought, but still broke none-the-less. but lets be thankful for small miracles shall we. apparently i will be getting "break pay" til the end of dec, when i previoulsy thought all payment would end dec 14. so thats a good thing.

bad- i am not doing so hot in chemistry. BARELY skating by with a 69 thus far. but then again thats without my lab grade. i am hoping that i can pull out a low B maybe a high C by semester end but I really have to bust my ass!!! THAT MEANS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS!!

semi bad- i am not doing so hot in poli-sci either, but the good part is that i really have to fuck up the rest of my grades to fall below a C avg. I think i might even be capable of a B...but again that requires some major ass bustin!

So in the end, i have to get my self in gear and just get to it. all of this is with in my reach, i just need to do it! you know?

well thats it. my self motivational speech!

ciao for now!

Combat Medic
Posted on 2007.11.20 at 16:54
Current Mood: calmcalm
alright so here's how it goes.
things are better. I am dating someone now and its working out quite well. we get along fabulously and have enough in common to make conversation fun,but enough differences to keep it interesting. that and she gets the military, or at least she tries--BONUS.

school is nearing its semester end. this is good and bad. good because i am looking forward to a little break, bad, because the closer it gets the busier it gets. tests tests tests, and papers to boot. not to mention i only get paid when i am in school, so for the 2-3 weeks when i am not in school, money's going to be tight! REAL TIGHT!

speaking of money...ugh. i have gotten myself in a jam. i have spen about $400. on crap. literally crap. mostly eating out, because i am too damn lazy to pack a lunch. so right now, i am hoping that i make it until the 1st. i have a little wiggle room on my CC, but i am really trying to pay those off. not to mention, i need to reserve that wiggle, for when i am really broke-when schools out and i am not working because of the holidays.
oh well, its my own damn fault. laziness and convenience. those are my evils.

but to end on a pleasant note, things are good. i like meg. she likes me. we will have to see where this goes eh?

Combat Medic

yup..its true!

Posted on 2007.10.31 at 21:11
i rock...its official. finished one of papers (its not due until next week) its only a draft, but last year my draft was accepted without further need for revision! (its HIST, so its not THAT hard) one down-one to go...then i started reading more crap...read read read. but still i am the shizzle my nizzle! fo sho!

Combat Medic

one word at a time

Posted on 2007.10.30 at 20:58
caged
repressed
bottled
encased
enraged

spiraling
out
of
control
faster
into
darkness

light
escapes
from
no
visible
surface
break

alone
afraid
panic
sets
in

reaching
searching
grasping
finding
no
one
nothing
left
to
cling
to

you
are
gone
.

Combat Medic

put me back in the oven, im not done yet

Posted on 2007.10.29 at 16:57
I am not over you, plain and simple. That fact hit me square between the eyes this past week. You were there and it was all I could do to avoid you. I feel no ill will towards you, none at all. In fact I want nothing but the best for you. I know that you are "seeing" someone else. And thats great....for you. But for me, that just plain sucks. It hurts to know that. We arent compatible. Thats evident, after three years and we still cant make it work.

I have managed to effectively F* up my whole world right now. I really cant concentrate. And I have so much to do. I want to talk to someone about this. But then again, I dont. What good will it do. So I write about it. Its the only outlet I seem to find that offers some relief.

You know the idea of dating someone right now is so f*ing terrifying, I cant even fathom it. I wouldnt even know where to start. I mean it literally gives me a stomach ache to think about it. Knots even....At first I was all about trying to move on, hurry up and get this shit over with, but I think that was all fluff. I didnt even try hard...One date and that went down the tubes in flames! Where did the old me go? The person that would be at the bar-drinking it up and hitting on every hot girl within a 2ft radius...Where is she right now? I wish I knew what to do with all of this that I feeling. I know, I just have to let it pass. But that is so much easier said than done.

There's so much more to say, I just don't have the energy to say it.


Previous 10